I absolutely don’t know what just clicked, but it happened in the past 1 hour. Something, some thought, some ‘i-dont-know-what’ just happened inside my brain, my body, my soul. I can’t describe it, but it felt closest to a sort of panic attack. I was watching the movie ‘Honey’, before which I had a fight with mom on making a sandwich (she just wouldn’t let me make it myself).
While watching the movie, I was rushed with some kind of a very strong emotion. I couldn’t watch a single minute more of the movie. It felt like I would die if I saw anymore. The emotional rush was too strong.
I then realised that maybe my brain came to the conclusion that this was crap. Everything is crap. Nothing is really useful. The world is full of stupid people, and I am one of those.
I realised that so much has happened in the past few billion years, that there is absolutely no meaning to my life even if I cure cancer, or say invent/discover immortality (maybe this is like winning the lottery ticket more than being a genius, so it might matter after all, since the universe is nothing but a dice).
I realised that what I am doing doesn’t make me happy, instead it makes me not sad. It makes me forget everything which is wrong with me, everything which I don’t understand, everything that is wrong with the world, and everything that is yet to come. It makes me forget that I am, literally, useless and insignificant, and so is everyone of us, combined.
What if humans didn’t even exist, how would it be any different. Would have been much better for other animal life, and the entire environment as a whole.
Maybe we live in a simulation and there are aliens who are observing us, or even playing the human game. Maybe this is just an old unattended server.
Regardless, it absolutely does not matter. For life is too short to do a lot of things. You need to find things worth living for, not live for things worth doing. I know this seems subtle. It’s hard to explain, but I feel that something has just clicked inside of me, and it’s for the good.